YO BRO IT’S ME LITTY

People in my network sometimes hit me up to learn more about what it’s really like to work at a startup company. They are intrigued with the idea of having more control of their career path, a bigger stake in the success of their company, and a more passionate work environment. Then again, perhaps they just want an escape from the soul-crunching monotony commonly knows as the “corporate world”.

Those who are not familiar with the startup culture in their own industry or city are sometimes uncertain how to uncover and evaluate career opportunities. Luckily, it’s not all that difficult to get up to speed. Entrepreneurs are eager to see their friends or associates take the plunge into the startup world. Just be persistent, energetic and resourceful…and by doing so you’ll prove to yourself and to those you connect with that you’re ready for the challenges that lie ahead.

I’ve been planning to write specifically about how one can evaluate a start-up opportunity. Then the other day my superstar dodgeball teammate Charlie O’Donnell wrote an interesting blog post about the misconceptions of MBA’s who are interested in startup opportunities. If you take MBA’s to mean anyone with a distinguished corporate/legal/b-school background that is looking for a mid-level to sr. opportunity than his post covers most people that I have connected with as well. I urge you to read it (and the comment discussion) before you continue on.

Let’s just assume that you’ve proven your value to a startup and now you’re evaluating an opportunity to join a young company. This is a bit more complex that evaluating a corporate offer where the clearly defined levers are the company reputation, salary/cash compensation and position/role. But in a startup, this can be shrouded in smoke murkier than the black stuff on the island . When I was evaluating different startup opportunities (before I started at Sportsvite), I felt overwhelmed trying to figure out which was the best one for me.

Last week I was helping my intern make a similar decision. He is contemplating a move to San Francisco to join a small ad network and was trying to determine if it was as good a fit for him as his Lehigh wrestling uniform was in college. We developed a framework of issues to resolve in order to make a comfortable decision. The key fundamentals of this are company, position, compensation, intangibles. He then worked through the issues, did the research, and dug for the answers he needed to make an informed decision.

I thought it would be worthwhile to share this framework.

Startup Status
Assuming you like what the company actually does it’s important to also understand the current state of the business. Startups come in all different shapes, sizes, philosophies and funding cycles. It’s important to understand where the company is in its growth and where it hopes to go. The obvious and easiest thing to do is learn how many employees are in the company. But that can be misleading, and I would suggest digging a bit deeper to understand the company’s funding and financials.

A startup that is venture funded often means that it has an exit strategy, specific goals with deadlines and some kind of management/organization structure already in place (although this will undoubtedly change in the future). Even the funding round (Angel round vs. Series A or Series B) or investors can hold clues as to the company’s projected path.

In terms of financials, key metrics include current revenues, burn rate and proximity to its break even point and subsequent profitability. This information can help determine the best case and worst case scenarios for the startup as well as the timing for those milestones.

Questions/Issues

• How is Company X funded and who are the current investors?
• Does Company X plan to raise future rounds of finance? When? How much?
• What is the projected growth of the team? What are the next hires/positions?
• What are the revenue goals this year? What is the 5 year plan? (Even if you don’t see specific financials it’s worth a discussion)
• What companies are your closest competitors? What startups have been successful in this space?

Position/Role
A startup is like a sports team. Not only is talent important, but every person needs to play a specific role in order for it to be successful. It’s super important to understand the exact position and make sure it’s a perfect fit. An All-Star point guard isn’t going to be effective on a team that already has a great point guard but needs a big man. Since most Startup organization are still small (less than 40 people) it’s not impossible to get an understanding for how you would fit within the entire organization. Speak to both people above and below you as well as others in lateral positions (since many startups are often flatter than large organizations) and you’ll learn a lot about the organization as well as the culture.

It’s good to begin a dialogue to understand how this position might evolve as the company evolves. In early stage startups, people are often asked to wear more than one hat. If the position includes both marketing and business development duties, find out when they eventually plan to hire someone and what role that hire might play. Also, if you come into an early stage startup (less than 10 people and early in its funding cycle) realize that there is a very good chance they will hire above you as the company matures. That means you can start by reporting directly to the founder or CEO but soon find yourself separated by one or multiple levels as the organization expands.

Questions/Issues

• What do you envision the perfect employee to be like?
• What are your hesitancies/questions with me fitting into the role/team?
• How do you see my position evolving in the future?
• Will I always report to you?
• What do you expect from me above and beyond the job description?
• Would it be possible for me to talk to other people in the organization?

Compensation
Startups are ALWAYS cash-strapped. If they act like they aren’t, that probably means they are wasting money (and that is cause for concern). When I joined CSTV, I figured they had millions and millions of dollars to spare since they had raised a staggering amount of capital from high profile investors. But I soon learned how severely we were burning through cash and how tightly we needed to stick to meager budgets. Since most startups aren’t profitable, it’s a race to get revenues up in order to be profitable or exit before the company runs out of capital. The more a startup keeps down their costs the longer they can go (kind of like a patron in the champagne room).

This means that the base salary will be low. It’s going to be lower than what your market value is in the corporate world. If you are in a revenue generation position, you might be able to negotiate higher commission or bonus structure.

To make up for the salary disparity (and to give employees a stake in the game), startups often offer equity in the company to their employees. I’ve found that it’s very difficult to understand the value of equity agreements (which is already uncertain since it’s usually based on the value of the exit). It’s difficult to quickly get up to speed on equity agreements so its important that you request all the proper documents (equity plan, corporate operating agreement, capital structure) and have somebody who has experience (either a lawyer, VC, or startup veteran) to review your equity agreement and help decipher a potential payout in different scenarios (which might depend on additional funding, that could lead to dilution, and exit value). As I was trying to understand my equity plan at svite, I actually found myself in a private email chain with Fred Wilson and Brad Feld (Two of the most successful venture capitalists in the world) and both agreed it is an incredible complex, unique and cloudy topic. Even with both their advice I was totally confused.

If you agree to an equity plan, make sure you sign all the appropriate documentation BEFORE you begin. If the company is in such an early stage that they haven’t finalized documentation, have your own lawyer put together a document that outline the agreement.

Questions/Issues

• Obtain copies of the equity documents; operating agreement and capital structure (at least understand the employee stock pool and amount of outstanding shares at the current valuation)
• Understand if bonuses can be taken in cash or equity?
• Discuss salary increase philosophy (influenced by additional funding, individual or company performance)
• Ensure that health benefits, retirement plan, expense account, etc. are aligned with expectations or assumptions

Intangibles
My most important advice is that you need to BELIEVE in the company and be PASSIONATE about it. The honeymoon ends as soon as you tie up your laces and start chopping wood (only to realize your Ax is plastic and made by Fisher price). A startup is a roller coaster ride and you need to make sure that you stay committed during the dips. The best way to do this is to truly believe in the mission, team, and eventual success of the company. Believe in the founders, in the management, in the concept and in the strategy. If you join a startup thinking you can do it half-ass or just go along for the ride then you are as off as a Chris Duhon three point attempt. As Charlie wrote ” If someone is hiring one of the first 10 or 20 or even 50 people in their company, they need to be awesome. You can’t hide in a startup and there’s no room for dead weight or mailing it in.”

Sometimes, there is room for some flexibility in a startup organization and you can actually influence some of the details that might be set in stone in a bigger organization. This includes vacation time, ability to work from home, computer and equipment budget, etc. In many startups your job becomes your life so it’s important that it’s comfortable for you. The perfect time to negotiate this is when you know you want the job but before you accept. These sweeteners can play a big role in your overall happiness. Do realize that as the company matures some of these perks might need to be adjusted.

Questions/Issues

• Do I believe in the founder, team?
• What is the background of the members of the team?
• Who in the organization has startup experience?
• Does this keep me up at night with excitement for the possibilities?
• What do I think I will learn here?
• What are the risks? What are the rewards?
• If the company fails, where will that leave me in my career?
• What will I do with all my chedder when we hit it BIG?

–
Hopefully, this is a helpful framework to better understand and evaluate startup opportunities. I know I’m missing tons of good information so please leave your thoughts or experiences in the comments. As always, hit me up if you want to chat through this stuff in more detail.

A few of my recent video viewing experiences combined with a conversation with my old Official College Sports Network buddy Dimberg has me thinking about the future of television as we know it.

I wrote a post in June of 2008 called “The Internet Will Be Televised“. In the post I shared how intrigued I was by Hulu and how easy it is to hook up digital video to a large screen television. I also made predictions on which trends would most influence the television viewing experience. This included buzzwords like convenience, distribution channels, quality content, targeted audiences, and platform agnostic experiences. I don’t need to evaluate the accuracy of my predictions, because it’s now become pretty evident what will happen.

This month a New York City start-up called Boxee.tv officially launched its product. Its stated goal is to be the best way to enjoy entertainment from the Internet or your computer through your TV. Download the Boxee software and within minutes you’ll better understand how you will organize, find and consume video content in the future. Here is their video that introduces you to what they are trying to do.

I’ve also had a pretty awesome experience using ESPN360. Actually, my cable company (TimeWarner) doesn’t even provide the service, but I use a friend’s account to login remotely. The breadth of niche sports content is amazing and I’ve been using it to get my college basketball fix. I’ve also watched a few soccer games on ESPN360 and can easily envision a scenario where thousands of games are available to access on ESPN360 each week.

What has become blatantly obvious is that connecting digitally to a large screen television is way better than using a cable box. I actually wrote about how much cable service sucks in my previous post. There has been absolutely no innovation or advancement in the last few years - so, yeah, it still sucks.

Before I crown digital viewing as king, I’m trying to understand the economics. It’s the multi-billion dollar mosquito in the room.

Right now I pay over $100 each month for my cable service. That’s a staggering amount of dinero that I’ve come to terms with shelling out each month. The combination of Hulu, Boxee, ESPN360 and other digital channels costs me $0. I’ve been thinking hard about if cable is still worth the cost. If it wasn’t for live sports content, I would probably have axed it already.

This is where things heat up. Television networks and cable companies need to stop griping about how to split up their piles of gold (which they do whenever they have carriage fights) and begin figuring out how to keep their customers/viewers paying over $100 each month to access their content before they follow the fate of the music or print industries. When that happens, a giant vacuum basically comes and slowly sucks all the revenue out of the Industry. The consumer doesn’t mind because their experience is actually cheaper and better! If there is any lesson to be learned from the print/music sob story it’s the need to rally around technology and innovate when things are good and NOT just try to protect profits as long as possible.

I’ve listed out some things that television networks and cable companies need to do (and do quickly) in order to stay rich. If executed properly, the consumers experience will improve while the cable companies and television networks get to keep their monster revenues. If not done properly, we’ll all be watching television for free quite soon!

Equalize distribution channel monetization
I would pay just about anything to watch a new episode of the Jersey Shore. Currently, I can watch the show on MTV because I have cable. Besides advertising revenue based on audience, Viacom also makes a large chunk of their money by charging cable companies a per user fee to carry their channel. Approximately $2 of my cable bill goes directly to MTV. They are successfully monetizing me. I can also download the show on iTunes. Each show is individually priced so hopefully Viacom is making a similar margin as if I subscribed to cable. Finally, I can also go to MTV.com and watch the show for free. The show is on-demand, streams at high quality, and also comes with bonus content so the experience is just as good.

The prevailing thought is that I’m locked in as a cable subscriber so if I also view the show on MTV.com or iTunes it’s incremental revenue. Everybody likes to argue that digital viewing is additive and not cannibalistic. Therefore it adds incremental revenue, at least until consumers start to wonder if they still need cable. The best way to defend against this is to figure out how to charge for the content uniformly and monetize all distribution channels equally.

Charge for content, not cable
I should be paying to watch/access the Jersey Shore without regard to the platform I choose to consume it. I don’t want to pay for cable, I want to pay for content. If I’m paying for ESPN I want to be able to access it on television, the web, mobile device, my rad tv sunglasses or through the chip they implant in my brain (that happens in 2013). Cable companies are in the best position to be the content network partners because they have the paying relationship with the consumer and can ensure the aggregated audience (to ensure the advertising pipeline continues to flow).

This means I should be able to tell Boxee that I am a Time Warner subscriber and therefore get access to all the channels that I pay for through the service. I should also be able to have the shows upload to my iPod or mobile device.

A La Carte Pricing
I’m more than willing to pay for the video content I consume but I want more control over that process. If the cable company is going to bundle hundreds of channels that I don’t want and then charge me an extra $5 for the Big Ten Network then that seems like a rip off. Whoever gives me the most control of what I can access and charges me accordingly will get my check each month. (UPDATE: my bud Brodsky and the only guy i know actually smart enough to read the New Yorker just turned me on to this article about unbundling by James Surowiecki)

Advertising Innovation
Besides sports and live programming, the thirty second commercial unit/interruption is completely ineffective. It’s amazing to me how an entire industry can just totally ignore the effects of a widespread technology in DVR. Digital allows a two way relationship with the customer so start feeding me things that I want from brands that I use. I get it that advertising will keep my content costs down. But c’mon, do something more effective than waste my time with talking animals and cheesy jokes.

Lot’s of these concept are already happening in some form. Hulu is experimenting and innovating with the types of advertising units they incorporate into the content. Slingbox makes place-shifting seamless. Content provides like MLB are charging fans directly for their season pass and even distributing it through platforms like Boxee. Cable companies have begun to champion the concept of “TV Everywhere”. Comcast is in the process of launching Xfinity, a digital service that offers episodes of shows that are only available to subscribers of Comcast cable and internet services.

As I said, I’m interested to see how this all unfolds. The next 12-18 seem to be crucial for the Industry. It’s pretty obvious what needs to happen but in reality getting content networks, cable companies and other distribution players and disruptive technology to all play nice together seems almost impossible.

Please share if you have any ideas of grandeur on how a start-up can step into the tumult, mix things up, and grab a piece of the cheese. I also realize that Net Neutrality needs to be part of this conversation but not really up to speed of the implications of it. It’s a conversation that will be great to have.

As the only stinger in my near perfect Costa Rican vacation, I’ve decided to declare a holy war against Mosquitoes. In the Littyhoops circle of life, these blood suckers are my square peg. If I ever get my one-on-one, Sunday Night conversation with Hashem, I’ll be sure to grill him on the creation of these damn little gnats. And I won’t take the “it was such a loosey goosey” excuse no matter how prehistoric of an era it might have been. I’m thinking that the good lord might have meant to create those squiggly white spirit things from Pandora instead of Mosquito’s.

Why the hostility you might ask? Well, for ten straight days I was eaten like a slice of pecan pie at the Klumps dinner table. I had more bites than a stoned college kid’s fishing rod at the Spring Valley Trout Farm. My arms and legs were so bitten up that I did the Helen Keller (Houston, Texas) and scratched from my hips. In the amusement park known as hell, I had the VIP fast pass at the Mosquito petting zoo.

I repeatedly asked Doctor Beyda how many mosquito bites it would take to end a life (answer unknown) and then itched backwards to figure out how soon I would scratch out my existence. I resorted to wearing mosquito protectors (jeans) at night and carrying around a placebo stick (cortisone cream) like it was my Epipen. Each time I interacted with a new human, I curiously asked them how they faired with dem’ darn Mosquitoes. If they didn’t publicly disavow the entire Culicidae family of insects right to existence, I labeled them as an insect zealot infected with the “bug”.

I’ve started to research the potential for a Mosquito vaccine. I’ve offered Doctor Beyda a spot as my head of R & D but he seems a bit hesitant. Don’t worry Roy - you’ll obviously be my sales rep. If you think about it, there hasn’t been a major breakthrough since Dr. Calamine introduced his whack pink stuff. Talk about some Snake Oil, Calamine’s ponzi is one of the biggest scams since they started charging for extra BBQ sauce at McDonald’s. In fact, in 1992 the FDA announced that there is no proof that Calamine lotion is safe for use or even effective in treating bug bites. I’m sure we can develop Litvacide Solution to those same lofty standards.

Other ineffective placebo tools, and lowly competitors, include Citronella candles, yellow bug lights, electronic zappers or hanging out with purple martins who will actually dine on mosquitoes. Doctor Beyda suggests surrounding yourself with cups of Listerine (ha - that’s what happens when you go to medical school in a dessert!) DEET and other insect repellents are somewhat effective in preventing bites…and in ensuring that you first born son has two noses and talks like Bill Walton

The first tenet of any legitimate holy war is education and I’ve done my research. Mosquito bites, like headaches, are caused by the female. The she-mosquito feeds off blood by piercing skin with her mouth. While sucking blood, she also deposits some of her saliva into the skin. This saliva contains proteins that remain in the skin. A human body’s immune system may then react to those proteins, resulting in the characteristic torture.

Like Chia Pets, puddles and Slip N’ Slides, Mosquitoes do best in stagnant or standing water. Therefore they are most horny in roof gutters, wading pools, birdbaths, old tires and Bobby Digital’s palms.

I used to believe that I was at the receiving end of so many bites because my blood was as sweet as a George Gervin finger roll. Although annoying, I begrudgingly accepted this because it felt good to be desired by any sort of female. Then one horrific day, an Asian lawyer told me that everybody gets bitten and that I’m just more allergic to the bites. Because she was an Asian lawyer, and I a burned out blogger, I took her word as truth. BUT, according to the Mayo Clinic website, “Mosquitoes select their victims by evaluating scent, exhaled carbon dioxide and the chemicals in an individual’s sweat. Overweight men are most susceptible. Bingo! Not even my Neanderthal nightly snoring could keep the little buggers away from the irresistible sweet scents of my perspiration, halitosis and underarm odor.

One of my most troubling fears was that the torture of Mosquito bites would prevent me from relocating to Costa Rica after I have my ultimate mental breakdown, fall out of society and wander south. But then I learned that adults become less sensitized to bites if bitten many times throughout life. Therefore, not only will I not die with N+1 bites but I’ll become even more immune.

If all of this hasn’t sold you on joining my holy war than consider this - Mosquito’s can carry Malaria, West Nile and Dengue Fever! Heck, they might as well be included in the plagues sent down to Pharaoh (oh wait, they were). Malaria is to the third world what Swine Flu is to narcotic jewish Long Island mothers. Between one and three million people die every year from malaria (90% in Sub-Sahara Africa). If that doesn’t get you angry, check out this video of a mosquito raping a human.

As I was watching football the other night there was public service announcement to “text” a $10 mosquito net to the third world. I obviously did my part and donated a net through this amazing charity Nothing But Nets. Almost three million nets have been donated. Naturally, I then requested that they send me one for my own precious protection.

But enough with this low-tech netting stuff. I want to develop the vaccine. I want to annihilate and then eradicate their species. The only Mosquitoes that remain standing will be the band from Gilligan’s Island. I want to be the Grand Exterminator in Dostoevsky’s next novel . We’ll make them buggers endangered and cheer their extinction. Even Bill Gates is on my side! It will be like the big battle in Avatar, except this time the mean, ugly white capitalists will win. So sting away suckers, because the Littyhoops Nation is ready to battle!

I was fortunate to be able to get some time off over the holidays and checked out Costa Rica for ten days. It’s an awesome country and with some decent planning and a little luck, the vacation unfolded perfectly. The beaches, waterfalls, weather and Imperial beer were all pura vida. But one of the things I found myself appreciating the most was the break from my digital connectedness.

Besides a few random days off I didn’t take much time off in 2009. When I did, I was still attached to my laptop or blackberry. In fact, I just copped a netbook a few weeks ago to alleviate the stress of travelling without my computer - the tribulations of being a geek.

The first bit of luck came when my blackberry didn’t work in Costa Rica. I even gave it a half-hearted effort to call T-Mobile to try and fix it but to no avail. Without me checking my phone, email, twiter, etc. every 20 seconds, I learned that stuff happening within my line of sight is kind of interesting also! I have this vicious habit of checking my phone the instant I wake up in the morning, even before I am fully conscious. It’s a crappy and stressful way to start a day. Sometimes I even fall back asleep after I check my email and then I’m not sure if my overdue cable bill is reality or a figment of my theta state. Anyway, I digress.

A limited functioning blackberry is actually a triple whammy as my BBM and twitter were also down, and without a pressing need to carry around my phone I also lost my source for tracking time. I assured my friends that I could determine time from looking at the sun and that would be correct within a margin of error of +/- 90 minutes. Some might say that is about the same margin of time in which I operate even with a clock.

Interestingly, all the places where we stayed (and some were quite remote) had wi-fi. This is one of the biggest tech advancements in traveling over the last few years (GPS being the other MAJOR improvement). I used to have to seek out a business center or internet café, but now the internet comes to me. This was actually quite comforting as I knew that I could go online whenever I needed too. I was pretty good about checking email only once per day and was also able to use the connection to Skype home every few days to let my parents know I was still alive.

Finally, between the four of us we had no functioning digital camera. We did buy an underwater disposable camera but couldn’t figure out if it worked and felt kind of lame carrying it around. I’m not a big picture taker or picture poser so not having to stop and freeze mid-peak added to the relaxation.

It took a few days to unwind but eventually I realized I was disconnected. It felt fresh. Without digital distractions, I was left to live the life that was unfolding in front of me or in my mind! When that consists of rafting, surfing, fishing, reading and amazing beaches…well, that’s a recipe for happiness.

Without killing time bouncing around esoteric blogs and analyzing Division II box scores on the web, I was even able to polish off a few excellent books including The Rum Diary by Hunter S. Thompson, A Farewell to Arms and How Soccer Explains The World.

But even more interesting, was the sheer amount of focused thinking, reflection and introspection I was able to accomplish. An uncluttered mind leads to a new perspective that is often refreshingly clear. I realized that some things that were frustrating or nagging were causing an unnecessary amount of stress in my life. I thought about what I wanted to accomplish in the near future and the far future in much more simpler terms. It felt great.

I hope that all of my future vacations will allow me to digitally disconnect. I also want to figure out how I can do that in smaller pockets of time. It feels great and when I reconnect there is a lot less static.

I hope you had a great holiday season and a festive New Year. I wish you and your family a happy and healthy New Year in 2010. If you haven’t had a chance to do so, I highly recommend you take some time to get off the digital grid.

That’s right guidos and guidettes, it’s time to talk Jersey Shore.

When people first hear I have a blog they usually go “oh” with a look of disgust as they think to themselves what a nerd/dork I must be. To be polite, they then ask me what I blog about. My response is that I write about whatever is on my mind. Lately, I’ve spent lots and lots of time thinking about the amazingness of my new MTV friends from Seaside.

I didn’t expect much when I first heard Da Bwetty talking about the show a few weeks ago. I kind of dropped out of the MTV game at some point between the Real World sucking for the 5th season in a row and having to watch a show with Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey where they do everything other than what people want to see them do (Ronnie would call it “pounding”). I’m actually allergic to most reality television as the stupidity irritates my brain. Yet, through the reality show prowess of Da Bwetty, Kosh and my two sisters I pick up a lot through osmosis. For instance, without watching any of these shows, I somehow know that Johnny Bananas is the dude to meat on The Ruins, Russell is taking Survivor by storm and that Jon and Kate’s eight kids are named Cara, Mady, Alexis, Hannah, Aaden, Collin, Leah and Joel but that all those little people don’t get in the way of Jon pounding out as many chicks as Tiger Woods.

So after getting a heads up text from Brett, I flipped on the season premiere. Within seconds I was hooked. This show was the most unexpected pleasant surprise in my life since my doctor told me my cholesterol dipped under the Mendoza line at my last check up. The character introduction for J-Woww was all I needed to understand I was watching the future of reality television. Let me share it share it verbatim.

“I am like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I will rip there heads off. I have a bad habit of playing little emotional games with men. When they date me its cool in the beginning, we do our thing, and then I send them on a roller coaster to hell. I have so many girls that hate on me, because whatever they are, they can’t compare to me.”

If only I could introduce myself with as much bravado, Littyhoops would be hitting 90 million homes on your cable dial instead of having a few dozen begrudging email subscribers who have the blog posts going straight to their SPAM filter.

At some point I realized that this first episode was actually two hours. Pure Ecstasy. A few moments later I was pissed at MTV that they wouldn’t be showing this three times a week like they do for Big Brother. Then I started licking my television screen. Later somebody mentioned that MTV has a full summer of footage, and four months to edit the story. That’s when we realized this show was going to be a season long highlight real that rivals “One Shining Moment”.

As my college buddies will attest, one of my purest and most unadulterated joys in life is instigating crazy people to do crazy stuff. I’m not sure why this is and consider it a character flaw. But I can’t help myself. I think my overwhelming curiosity to see what happens trumps all logic, reason and maturity. This genetic abnormality is unbelievalbly stimulated by the Jersey Shore. There I was jumping up and down rooting for the show to get crazier as it progressed and I wasn’t disappointed! The situation goes down! Pauley D throws a haymaker and has his penis pierced! Vinny gets pink eye. Ronnie makes Ron Ron juice!

I was pumped going into the second episode but was underwhelmed. Just like that, I think the magic might be gone. My big hope was that the “punch” would take episode #3 to a whole new level as I’ve watched it in slow-mo at least 500 times.

I was thinking that they could have Ted Demme or Tarentino like directing and start the episode as Snickers gets knocked out. They could then play the episode in Rewind (think of the NaS song) so it would seem like you were hitting the back button on your DVR. Snickers screaming at the random meat head, Snooki taking shots, Snooks grinding on the dance floor, Snucky bumping rails in the bathroom, Snicks doing her hair and make up, Snooky sucking juice out of pickles, etc. There hasn’t been a more climatic “removed scene” since Quarterback Joe Kane lies down in the middle of the road and reads Sports Illustrated in The Program.

I’m writing this post now for much the same reason I’ve been bragging about St. John’s. They’re both peaking! One month from now the Johnnies will be below .500 and Pauley D. will be lamer than Spencer Pratt. But for now I’m going to suck all the juice out of this situation.

A few other things worth mentioning….

• I love rooting against the Situation. Haven’t been this amped to see someone fail since watching Kevin Brown pitch.
• I was glad to see Angelina and her garbage bags take a hike. She’s one heck of a talented and miserable rooster blocker. If she took the Situation’s advice and went anorexic and then converted to the tribe she would be strikingly similar to many a SDT Michigan chicks circa the turn of the century!
• The nickname The Situation is brilliant. He actually speaks in the third abdominal. My sister suggested that Littyhoops should name his stomach Buddha and walk through Murry Hill allowing chicks to rub it.
• Props to my buddy Ross and the BeenVerified.com team for seizing a great opportunity sneaking in obtain a television commercial in the second episode and picking up some great press on TMZ and other publications.
• What’s up with the landlord/t-shirt store owner. They could have done much better casting this guy. I’m thinking Ira from Fire Island.
• My friend Blake would be absolutely perfect for this show. He has the energy and vocabulary to excel in the house. Plus, his entire body mass could fit into Ronnie’s thigh which would make the dynamic even more entertaining.
• I would rather bob for apples in a dengue fever infested cesspool in Mumbai, Indiana than jump into that roof top hot tub.

Favorite Lines
“In walks in this girl with garbage bags. I thought that was kind of like ghetto and weird. You cant find a suit case. Nobody in your family has a suitcase you can borrow.” - Pauley D

“I thought you were like vomiting your brains out and I don’t want pukey breath on me…I don’t have time for stupid bimbos.” - Sammi Sweetheart

“You have your penis pierced. I love it” — J-Woww

“Everybody Loves Me. Babies, Dogs, Hot Girls, Cougars” - The Situation

This is far and away my favorite line. I’m thinking of going around telling people “Everybody loves Littyhoops. Aardvarks. Klan Members. Tweens. Parapelegics. Hermaphrodites.”

For your viewing pleasure, click this link to go to the actual blog post so that you can watch all the embedded videos.

You, like most of the sane individuals in our world, might just suspect that Ron Artest is a loon. After all, this is the guy who stormed into the stands to cause the most outrageous brawl, and some of the best reality television, in modern sports history and incited the demise of the metropolis of Detroit.

That brawl happened a few months after Artest asked for a month off to chill during the season since he was tired from producing a hip hop album that summer. Just recently, Ron Ron admitted to drinking Hennessy during halftime when he played with the Chicago Bulls. (If only Charlie Villanueva was his teammate, @CV31 could have tweeted “Ron Ron’s sippin on some cognac. 2nd half is gonna get willdddd!”). Artest has been suspended more times than Zach Morris. In fact, if Artest was Canadian and homosexual he would be the spitting image Sean Avery.

But for me, Ron Artest is my boy.

He might not actually be one of my “boys”, but this term “friend” can certainly liberally defined when you are disillusioned Johnnies fanatic. The fact is I like Ron Ron more than 72% of my Facebook “friends” and that’s what really matters.

I have had the pleasure of a few real life interactions with Ron Ron. The two years he played for the Johnnies were my junior and senior year of high school and I had seats right behind the bench. Besides being an absolute man child on the court (Perhaps he too drinks “Ron Ron” juice) he was also a total goofball. One game Artest was dressed but wasn’t playing. I tapped him on the back and asked him what was up. He said his thumb was sore. I asked him how it happened. He said “Nintendo”. Starring in the role of the confused, ignorant white boy I then said that didn’t make sense. He then explained he had played Bond on Nintendo for 18 straight hours the day before and now his thumb was sore. Fascinating.

More recently, I walked by Artest at the airport. When I realized it was him I said “Wassup Ron Ron” and he replied “Yo Littyhoops”. This story is true besides the part where he says Littyhoops.

The simple fact is that Artest is misunderstood. Foe those who live beyond the rough and gritty 10 mile corridor between Queensbride and Great Neck, it must be hard to imagine what it’s like to cruise down Jamaica BLVD searching for White Castle drive through window while blasting NaS. Did you know that Artest applied for a job at Best Buy when he was on the Bulls so he could get the employee discount and put down Jerry Krause as his reference?

You might remember last year’s hard fought seven game playoff series between the Lakers and the Rockets. Artest was ejected from Game 2 when he confronted Kobe after being elbowed in the throat. Asked if he would retaliate, Artest shared a story from the neighborhood when his friend was stabbed threw the heart with a leg from a table and he was accustom to that kind of stuff. Miraculously, this story seems to be true as here is a New York Times story from 1991 that reports a basketball death. —

Ron seems to have mellowed out some now that he resides on the left coast. A few weeks ago he kibbutzed with Jimmy Kimmel in his boxers. In spite of (or maybe because) all his craziness, Ron gives one heck of an entertaining interview.

But hey, according to Ron Ron that wasn’t even Ron Ron (shades of Locke character in Season 5 finale.

Did you know that Ron’s favorite movie is Titanic. Watch his inspired performance of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”. If you don’t like that rendition, try this one (about 30 seconds into the video).

Ron Artest is even down with the Hasidm and the Chabad House. Arest got out of bed early in the morning to raise 29K for the Yids! —
Ron gives more time to Elie Seckbach than just about any other NBA player and Elie certainly agrees with Littyhoops that Ron Ron is a mensch.

So, if I’ve turned you on to another side of Ron Arest, you should email him yourself and see what he’s all about at shinshinartest@gmail.com Or you can hit him up on twitter @BASKETBALL_RON. There’s a good chance he will call you back.

Maybe make some plans with him to meet up late night and eat some hot dos wrapped in bacon!

Call yourself gullible Gary if you actually thought I gave a crap about an underachieving Big Ten squad when I blogged about Michigan basketball the other day. If you’re a true member of the L-Hoops Mafia, then you well know that my heart’s allegiance lies squarely with the JOHNNIES.

Despite just missing out in the recruitment of shady blue-chip prospect “Born Ready” Lance Stephenson, and yet another injury to Anthony Mason Jr., I was optimistically psyched going into the season. Alas, squarely holding down a .500 record (0-0) with no losses throughout the off-season is all it takes to get me “optimistically psyched”. But the Red Storm also returned all five starters (all juniors) and added some depth with Omari Lawrence, Malik Stith, Dwight “Buckets” Hardy and Justin Brownlee. Going into the season, this was their deepest and most well-rounded team since the Pittsburgh Sexcapade left the team in ruins during the 2004 season.

What is quickly becoming a father-son tradition; I forced my dad to check out the season opener at Carnesecca Arena as SJU had an uneven performance in a victory over lowly LIU. The Johnnies, and my aorta, then survived agita inducing squeakers against St. Bonaventure and Brown. Listening to the Johnnies play in a close game on the radio could be more stressful than awaiting your HIV test results after “transgressions” with hookers. At this point, I had lost some of my enthusiasm for the team’s potential although I wouldn’t let anything damper a 3-0 undefeated record. I found myself walking around town with my chin up, the sun shining on my back, and a beaming smile coming from the man in the mirror. Is that you Jesus? Digger Phelps predicted a NCAA bid for SJU. Before that prediction, I was certain that if I knew anything about college basketball, it’s that Digger Phelps knows nothing. After that prediction, I think the brilliance of his highlighter matching his tie is only topped by his knowledge of college hoops!

I sensed my bubble was about to be burst as the Johnnies headed to Philly over Thanksgiving weekend to face Siena and Temple. But they somehow stormed out of the game in the second half to take down the Saints and then sloppily roughed it out over Temple for two quality victories. I wasn’t able to watch or listen to the Temple game but when my friend Rob pulled up the final score on his phone I promptly offered to buy the whole damn Great Neck North High graduating glass of 1999 a shot of Patron (Thankfully Rob was the only one who had any clue what was going on). An easy W over Stony Brook this week and we find ourselves at 6-0, the best darn start during the Norm Roberts Era.

At some point in the last week the college basketball media has decided to jump on the Johnny locomotive along side Digger. SI’s Seth Davis is ready to whittle Norm some dancing shoes out of beach wood. Dickie V. is tweeting big ups. Will Leitch is the closest thing we got to a celebrity beat writer in his New York Magazine sports blog! There’s even a cadre of twitter dudes who are solidly in St. John’s corner including @Peter_R_Casey and @STJ_Basketball who both live tweet games. Heck, we got “other receiving votes” in both the AP and coaches’ poll. Do you realize the global significance here, people.

If all that isn’t enough to arouse your passions, please realize that the Johnnies take on DUKE this weekend. Yup, it’s good vs. evil down at Cameron Indoor Stadium come this Saturday. A victory will be their biggest win in years and put SJU solidly in the Top 25 for the first time in way longer than I’d like to not remember. Duke is coming off a loss to Wisconsin this week in which they were probably looking ahead to the Johnnies and suffered a collective mental lapse due to poor coaching. I’m usually never one to root for the Dukies but must admit I’m disappointed they dropped a game before facing SJU. We’re trying to shock the world this weekend. But now when we win, the critics will say that all we did was beat a bunch of over-hyped white boys.

Now, before we get too jazzed up, the Johnnies still have some major question marks. They’ve had trouble scoring all season. I was hoping Paris Horne would establish himself as the main scoring threat, but he has struggled and didn’t even score against Stony Brook this week. The point guard combo of Malik and Malik can’t really do much of anything all that well. Justin Burrell is having major confidence issues and forgot how to score and rebound. The saving grace has been the continued emergence of DJ Kennedy as the team leader and go to player. JUCO Newcomers Hardy and Brownlee might be the team’s most polished players even though both come off the bench (at least for now). With a ten man rotation, Norm is still trying to feel out his squad and see which players work well together and who will step up to take a more dominant role. Let’s just say it hasn’t “clicked” yet.

But I can’t complain. Things have certainly started as splendidly as this blogger could hope. SJU is #4 in the RPI. This means if the season ended today we’d be in line to receive a #1 seed in the big dance! After Duke the Johnnies remaining non-conference games are all very winnable. That means St. John’s can end December at 11-1 (or 12-0) with one of the best non-conference RPI rankings in the country. St. John’s could be well-positioned to go dancing if they can .500 in conference. This is asking a lot (they were 6-12 last year with a similar team in bit stronger conference) but is definitely possible and will keep yours truly buzzing for at least the next month.

I’m hosting the L-Hoops family (the blood version) at my apartment for the game this weekend. Courtney is a Duke graduate and pretends to like the basketball team (all the Cameron Crazies pretend - nobody can really like them). Even she will admit Coach K is a dick. Howie Hoops best be rooting for the Johnnies. I swear to Hashem, if he tries to pull this “I’m happy for Duke also”, or if I catch him celebrating a Schuyer jump shot, I’ll label him Galitziana trash and lock him out on my deck in the cold with the rats!

Ladies and Gentlemen, please join one of the most storied traditions in college basketball, hop on the bandwagon and check out ESPN2 at 3:30 this saturday. That feeling in your heart after the Johnnies are victorious is unadulterated joy.

I’m a college basketball junkie. As I write this I’m watching West Virginia play Portland on ESPN2 in the final of a tournament called the 76 Classic. If you inquire as to what I did over the Thanksgiving break, the true answer would be that I watched college basketball. I spent most of my waking time with Fran Fraschilla, Doug Gottlieb, Andy Katz, Steve Lavin, Jay Bilas, Digger and Dickey. I’ve probably logged 8-9 full games since checking out Duke play Arizona State at the Garden last Wednesday. This might weird people out since most are only vaguely aware that the college basketball season has already started. So instead I’ll probably just shrug my shoulders and mumble if asked about the break. But you now know that if they hooked up cathodes to my brain to monitor cranium activity, those mumbles are actually passionate college hoops soliloquies.

Coming into this season, I was excited as my two favorite teams (St. John’s and Michigan) both have their best outlook in years. I’ve been asked a lot about Michigan hoops (nobody seems to care about the Johnnies so I figured I would send out some updates throughout the season.

The Wolverines looked great beating up on some random intramural type teams to start the season. But in their first real test, UM lost 2 of 3 games in the Old Spice Classic in Orlando. After holding off Creighton in overtime, Michigan was soundly defeated by a more aggressive Marquette squad and then dropped a very win-able game against an Alabama team that has already lost to Cornell this season. That loss probably knocked them out of the Top 25. The non-conference schedule remains challenging with Boston College up next and road games at Utah and #1 Kansas later in the month. The Big Ten is one of the toughest conferences this year. MSU, Purdue and Ohio State could all be top 10 teams and Wisconsin, Minnesota and Illinois are legit tourney teams.

It’s going to be tough for Michigan to win twenty games. Last Year they went 19-12 in the regular season and were .500 in conference. That was good enough for a #10 seed in the big dance. I was hoping Michigan would hover around the top 15 all season and be able to get a top #4 seed come March but after this weekend that looks a bit overly optimistic.

Corperryale “Manny” Harris is one of the best college basketball players in the country. After five games, he’s averaging over 20 point, 9 rebounds and 7 assists. Those are ridiculous stats in college ball. He can seemingly score at will when he drives to the basket. The only knock against him is that he’s an atrocious 3-24 from long range this year. Harris isn’t a great 3 point shooter, but needs to improve enough to keep the defense honest. He’s fun to watch play, and it would be even better if he was more aggressive.

The other major scoring option besides Harris is Deshawn Simms. Simms is a small forward who needs to play both power forward and center for Michigan to be successful. This is actually possible as Simms inside game is capable. But too often, he drifts out to the perimeter and disappears for large stretches of games. Simms needs to be an inside presence and put up at least 16 and 9 regularly for Michigan to be a contender.

Darius Morris looks good at the point, but still is a freshman who probably has no clue on how to get to Kerrytown, North Campus or Showcase Cinemas. Besides having a decent handle, he’s long and athletic and fits well in their 1-3-1 trap defense. Zach Gibson needs to step up and play a bigger role as he’s the only guy on the team who can block a shot or bang around inside.

The rest of the team is basically a collection of combo guards who are expected to nail “Dom Bombs”. Unfortunately, this isn’t happening right now as UM was 9-45 from downtown in the two losses. Hopefully, LLP, Stu Douglass, Novak and Vogrich will soon find their shot (or at least a decent barber). If they don’t, they are basically worth as much as a few ski ball tickets at Pinball Pete’s.

Before this tournament, I was starting to tout the Wolverines as a Final Four team. After watching them, I’m going to pipe down on that prediction. I still believe they will better than they were last season and should be a sweet 16 team. That will only happen if they are able to do the following

Play Defense/Rebound
Neither Harris nor Simms are big on defense. Novak tries hard but is slow and undersized. The 1-3-1 that is Beilein’s staple doesn’t seem to be all that effective, tricky or successful so far this season. The trap also leaves the team in crappy position to rebound with a little guy close to the basket trying to block out bigger playeres. I don’t expect Michigan to win games on defense, but they need to be able to get a stop every now and then and force some turnovers that can lead to easy baskets.

3 Point Shooting
Michigan is probably going to shoot between 25-35 three’s each game. When they go in, it’s beautiful to watch. When they don’t, it seems impossible for them to score. Guys like Douglass, LLP and Novak need to be able to regularly hit the open shot.

Point Guard
LLP can barely dribble, so it really comes down to Morris and Douglass to play the point. I would love to see Morris develop here as it seems he has the ball handling and defense skills to have the most potential. The position isn’t that crucial, as Harris is the major playmaker and can also handle the ball. So basically the point just needs to turn the ball over at a rate below that of Tate Forcier. They struggled at this position last season with Merritt and Grady being liabilities. An upgrade seems necessary and likely.

Manny Fresh
Harris needs to carry the team on his back. He has to be the dude attempting to go coast to coast at the end of the Alabama game (Morris did and got swatted at the buzzer). Manny should also take at least 20 shots every game, while also helping rebound and creating open shots for the shooters. It’s a lot to ask, but Harris is that good. If he starts to hit his three point shot, he’ll be neck and neck with Evan Turner and Kalin Lucas for Big Ten player of the year and can even crack the All-American first team.

Predictions
Right now, here’s what I’m going with. Leave your prediction as a comment.
Overall Record: 19 -11
Big Ten Record: 11-7
Big Ten Tournament: Lose in the semifinals of the Big Ten tournament
NCAA Tournament: #6 seed and sweet 16

I’m planning a trip with a few friends to Costa Rica over Christmas break. So far we haven’t done much planning. Besides booking a flight, everything else is pretty much yet to be determined.

This lack of a precise itinerary is partially by design. For those of you who have followed some of my travel blogs in the past you have probably figured out that I like to have some understanding of where I’m going but not make too many arrangements or else it takes away from the adventure. Right now, we’re leaning towards heading to the Tamarindo area, renting a car there (Don’t worry – Beyda will be the driver), and checking out the beaches along the Nicoya and the Pacific Coast. But it seems like there is so much to do and so many cool places to go. It’s no wonder the country has blown up as a travel destination. I would love to uncover some of the hidden gems that aren’t in the travel books. For example, Weino told me about his friends who went giant shrimp catching from midnight to sunrise. I’m probably going to skip out on the Volcano, cloud forests and national parks as the pull of the beaches are too appealing.

If you have the scoop on places to go, beaches to see, hotels, restaurants, giant shrimps, activities, etc. I’d love to hear about it. The more random the better. Keeping to my digital geekdom, I’ve set up a Costa Rica Wiki to pull together all the information that we collect from friends and experts. So please share on the Wiki, leave a comment or hit me up directly if you got the dopeness.

P.S. - Doesn’t it seem like all the travel websites on the internet blow. What’s up with that? Who’s going to build the bomb travel socail media website? And don’t tell me to check Trip Advisor!

I started getting random BBM messages from my big sister Lisa on Wednesday night. At the time i was too caught up at work to respond. Yet, I knew that whatever she was writing about was probably frivolous but at the same time was definitely hilarious. If you know me, or even if you keep up with this blog, you know that i have an older sister who is way cooler than I am. My uncle says it best (usually during Jewish holidays) when he tells Lisa that she is the one in our family who has the gift of a “personality”. Ask any hockey TV producer, or Pittsburgh Penguin player for that matter, throughout the country, and they will most certainly agree. For all the hubris i have as a blogger/writer i realize i’m nothing more than the love child of Dick Vitale, Kurt Vonnegut and Mark Zuckerberg., That means I’m a dude that nobody can really fully relate too. Meanwhile, my sister’s personality and writing is way more real and genuine. I’m being honest when I say that I’m jealous! I’ve always thought that her major obstacle is that she lacks the confidence to really shine. But then i read the last paragraph of her blog post, and thought that maybe she has the confidence that she doesn’t even realize! If there is one Littyhoops blog post that is worth reading/enjoying, it is this one. Have fun!

More often than not I find myself in situations where I say to myself “I have to blog about this” Thanks to my lack of patience and writing skills this rarely happens…and just like that the moment quickly turns into a memory. However, the events that occurred tonight were so insanely ridiculous I had to share my thoughts…a mix of frustration, laughter and the unknown.

Wine Tasting at the Y

A few months back I enlisted my few remaining single girl friends on a mission. Let’s go to as many social jew events as possible in an attempt to meet single jewish guys to date and eventually marry. Let’s do as much cool shit in the city as possible in an attempt to meet more people. Let’s face it, we are officially done with the 20’s…meeting random guys in bars is just not what is used to be. We are not getting any younger and at this point we have nothing to lose…or do we?

It started a few months back when my friend took me to this big charity event at Chelsea Piers. In a room of 800 Jews people, more than half had the xy chromosome, stable jobs, Ivy League diplomas and healthy trust funds. It was in theory a great place to meet somebody to settle down with, however midway through the night I found myself wanting to pluck my eyes out with the butter knife. Maybe this type of event wasn’t for me. When I drunk-texted my mom to tell her that I’d rather be with the guy who drinks beer and listens to country music she replied “would you rather drive a BMW or a Pick-up Truck?”

Score: Lisa-0, Mom-1

While this event may not have been my cup of tea, it didn’t mean they all had to be like this one. I mean…there had to be other events that me and my peeps could attend that were a bit less…what’s the word I’m looking for…GAY.

The summer came and went faster than you can say “Thirty-something single chick”. As me and my friends sat at the usual brunch spot we decided to start brain storming ideas as to how to find a husband meet new interesting people like we had just done a few short months before. That’s when I suggested we go to a wine tasting event at the 92 Street Y. How bad could it be? A bunch of upper east side yuppies drinking wine and making small talk…the worst that comes out of it I get drunk off of kosher wine and go home alone…not like that hasn’t happened before. Liz and Jen buy into my plan and we decide to give it a shot. We are going to be social if it kills us.

Jen and I met for a drink before. Ya know…that pre-date drink you have to take the edge off. When we arrived at the event, Liz had already been there for a few minutes. The look on her face was priceless when we met her in the lobby. I knew at that point I should have saved the calories on that pre-event drink. It was gonna be a loooooooong night.

Looking back on the event I’m not sure what part of the night was the best part.

a) The weird guy who looked like a pedophile coincidentally telling us he writes children’s books for a living
b) the old guy who smelled like farts and had food on his chin
c) The janitor that kept sneaking in for food when he thought nobody was looking.

It was awful. No amount of wine could have made this event cool. I mean, just to give you an example of how not cool this event was…I ate. They had finger foods and I ate in public. Those of you who know me, now get it. Of the thirty people at the event…four of them were XY, of those none were dating material. You know exactly the type I am taking about. Picture the 40 year old virgin…enough said. I’ll be the first to say “beggers can’t be choosers” but seriously…in this case that just doesn’t apply.

The funny thing is, as we left the event we couldn’t stop laughing…it seemed we were laughing the entire time. It was just three single girls having a silly time making fun of ourselves and our wine-tasting classmates. You see, no matter how many events you go to or how many attempts you and your girlfriends make to meet “the one” nothing is better than just having fun doing it. In an attempt to find our unborn baby daddy, we have become better friends and the experiences we have are memories that are gonna last a hell of a lot longer than my crappy dates. I still think about the boring lawyer I met at the Chelsea Piers event all the time who I am 100 percent sure had a stick shoved up his ass. I am positive we will talk about this night for years to come. Only Jen and Liz will actually get it, but I know you have had those nights too.

As I left Liz at the subway we laughed holding our heads high for trying something new and different. Doing what we actually said we were going to do…meet people in ways other then j-date. We then decided that if our speed dating event that we committed to next week as part of our “Let’s do as much cool shit in the city as possible in an attempt to meet more people” is twice as bad as tonight’s event it’s gonna be a great night!

Hey Courtney, what u got, little sis?