So why aren’t you taking more steroids?

Teams that should do more steroids – immediately – include the nationals, padres, dbacks, pirates… hell, throw the cubs in there, too, because they haven’t won the series in 101 years.

In fact, I think all Cubs players should be allowed to inject whatever, whenever, until they win the series. This would: a) help them win faster and b) spare the rest of us from having to hear Cubs assholes whine about their team anymore. (Although, to be fair, the Massholes DO still whine about 1986 even after Mommy Ramirez and Big PEDI won in 2004 and 2007 … before getting caught with needles in their cracks).

Seriously, if baseball REALLY wants to capture national attention/imagination, here’s what it needs to do:
1) Jose Canseco, commissioner
2) No drug testing – I want 900 foot home runs from back-ne covered behemoths
3) Bonds gets immediately reinstated, but must play for Nationals (punishment enough).
4) Start relegating teams to the minors – I’m talking about the Pirates, Nationals, buh bye
5) Every time Joba starts, one lucky fan gets to punch him in the face. Fist pump that, biatch.
6) Universal DH. Screw the purists. Who the hell wants to watch pitchers rake? Anyone who complains gets sent to GITMO, which has vacancies now. Or maybe they should be forced to take financial advice from lenny dykstra.
7) No wild card, no divisions. You win your league in regular season, then go to the series. No more 83 win world champions. And no one is allowed to refer to managers as “geniuses.” Tony LaRussa is not a genius. Einstein was. Know the difference.
Old guys in dugouts wear suits, not uniforms, effective immediately. Come on, man, 90 year old first base coaches wearing uniforms? Do NFL coaches wear pads? Do ex-NFL cheerleaders who are 60 and 70 go out in their old uniforms? Come on, man!!!
9) ESPN is permanently banned from covering baseball games…. except for Baseball Tonight…. BUT Steve Phillips and Orestes “Manny Ramirez is a consummate professional” Destrade are banned from that show. Chris Berman never, ever gets to broadcast another baseball game or call a home run derby again. Seriously. He’s terrible.
10) Old players must shut up about steroid guys. Babe Ruth was the best ever? Right – he didn’t play against African Americans, or Latin Americans, or the bestt players from japan, didn’t deal with relievers, didn’t hit against fielders who had modern equipment, didn’t face relievers and didn’t face pitchers who had videotape and advance scouting reports on all of his at bats. Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron and ted Williams together could not have carried Barry Bonds’ steroid filled syringe. It had to be said. So I’ll say it.

BONUS #11 – all Presidents of the USA and candidates for President MUST know how to throw a baseball like a man, or they are immediately disqualified from serving. John Kerry (who didn’t win, thankfully) was the worst ever, but Barack seriously needs some help. Now. At least W. could throw heat, man.