There’s a whole crew of Litvacks in the world beyond my immediate and extended family. In fact, there are over 230 of them on Facebook (with another 1100 that spell their name Litvak) including a Gustavo and a Zohar! Many of them seem to live in Canada. There is a state representative in Utah named David Litvack. I’m not sure how a jew wins an election in Utah but a hearty mazel tov to Dave. Sandy Litvack is a prominent anti-trust litigator who used to be on the corporate management team at Disney and now picks battles with Google. Heck, I just learned about Lyida Litvyak who was a female ace fighter pilot in the Soviet Air Force during WWII and shot down 12 enemy planes. Hopefully one day Brian will be more than just a starving blogger.

Often, when I meet an old Jewish dude (rabbis, jewelers and Boca Raton country club members) and they learn my name they have a similar peculiar reaction. They knowingly raise their eyebrows and go “Ahhh, you’re a Litvack. The Litvacks and the Galitzianers!“. Never have I been able to get to the bottom of what this means exactly. I do know it has something to do with jewish people from eastern europe. But that is the extent of it. I recently asked my Nana (a Litvack by marriage to poppy Saul) about this. She raised her eyebrows and said “Ahhh, the Litvacks and the Galitzianers”. When I asked her what that means, she replied that she had no idea. If she ever did know, she had forgotten long ago!

The other suspect occurrence which happens occasionally is that I will meet someone with a different last name who will tell me they are a Litvack. My natural response is to respond “No, you are clearly not” and then stare at them really obnoxiously (sometimes growing up in Long Island comes in handy!) until we move on to the next subject.

With nowhere to turn, I logged into cyberspace to see what I could dig up and find out what the heck is up with a Galitzianer. Hashem, was I shocked with what I uncovered.

The noun Litvak is actually Yiddish for Lithuanian Jew (although Litvaks also resided in Latvia and Belarus). These mitnagged jews were characterized by their opposition to Hasidism and Hasidic teachings. Jews began living in Lithuania as early as the 8th century and numbered over 250,000 by 1923 with most being of Litvak origin. In the 20th century, many Litvaks emigrated to North and South America, Great Britain, Australia and South Africa. There are now under 4,000 Jews left in Lithuania.

Blah, blah, blah. Enough with the history lesson. There’s a reason why European History was the most boring class of my life and it goes way beyond Dr. Weiss’s crappy lectures about the de’Medici family!

Now, this is where things get spicier than a kosher KFC sandwich.

According to the credible sources at Wikipedia, Litvaks were considered to be more intellectual and stoic than their rivals, the Galitzianers. My people thought of Galitzianers as irrational and uneducated. The rivalry was so intense that Ira Steingroot dubbed it the Ashekenazi version of the Hatfieds and the McCoys in his Yiddish Knowledge Cards. Besides acting like Ashekenazi trash, the Galitzianers also butchered the dialect and crossed the “Gefilte Fish Line” by favoring rich, heavily sweetened dishes.

When a Litvak prays he stands rock still and only moves his lips.
When a Galitizianer prays he gets on his knees and begs to pagan idols like Prince Akeem’s servents in Coming to America.

When a Litvack recites the Friday night Kiddush he sits.
A Galitizianer is already too drunk and blacked out to say the prayer!

Litvaks are characterized as being rational, dogmatic and authoritarian.
Galitzianers are loopy, loony and subservient.

Litvaks eat fish like normal people.
Galitzianers sprinkle powdered sugar on their fish like it’s funnel cake or a Big Sexy Pop.

Modern Day Litvaks like March Madness, the Super Bowl and the NFL Draft Combine.
Modern Day Galitzianers watch Jon and Kate Plus Eight.

Ever hear a polish joke. Yup, that’s referring to Galitzianers who originated in the south-eastern corner of Poland.

Most Galician jews lived poorly, working in small workshops as craftsman. Indeed some were physicians, intellectuals and lawyers but most probably worked in waste management.

In the Litvack spirit, for those who would like to read a more intellectual debate on the argument check out this argument between college professors from 1976 in Commentary Magazine.

There are all kinds of famous and acclaimed Litvaks including oligarch Roman Abramovich, ground breaking politician Harvey Milk, Sacha Baron Cohen, Bob Dylan, Menachim Begin, Ariel Sharon, writer Amos Oz, composer Leonard Cohen, painter Marc Chagall, the Three Stooges and Pink (on her mom’s side!).

I’ve never met a person with the last name of Galitzianer but rumor has it that famous Galician jews include Amy Winehouse, Roseanne Barr, Bobby Fischer, Monica Lewinsky, Julius and Ethle Rosenberg and Lizzy Grubman!

This Lent, I’m swearing off all Galitzianers once and for all! And you should too before they antique you with confectioner’s sugar!

And if you ever were curious to see the Litvak vs. Galitzianer rendition of “Who’s On First” here you go…

Many of you might have heard about the Montauk Monster. It’s been all over the news over the last few days. Gawker broke the horror story a few weeks ago and CNN is covering it with this investigative gem. Check out the photo below.

I have a fervent conviction in the truthfulness of bizarre news stories. I’m still trying to locate Bison Dele on the high seas aboard the Hakuna Matata and the only hoax with the Cambodian Midget Fighting League was the cover up. I’ve also personally vowed never to let a monster incite fear into my people as the Kibbutz Monster did to us many moons ago.

So naturally I’ve scoured the wire, reading everything from legitimate news sources to insane blog post theories on the true nature of the monster.

The Monster is more than just an albatross to humanity; it is in fact all of our dilemmas. Not since Nessy or Jason Lillian, has such a beast terrified humanity. It has the mysteriousness of a spider’s web, the versatility of a liger, the dexterity of a blue collar butterfly and the ferocity of Matt’s bodyguard Rocco.

The Montauk Monster eats just about everything except Chicken Marsala. It especially enjoys late night cheese steaks, Twix ice cream bars, random sausage and parmiGINA cheese. It also snacks on Chicken Salad.

No one has yet figured out how to conquer the monster when it attacks or how this one washed up on the shore. Actually, nobody is sure if this one is dead or has just been perfectly still since it was discovered. A prevailing theory is to attempt to sedate it with a mixture of “advil”, tussin and Excedrin Migraine medication and then trap it with a Roman Helmet and a barrage of jelly fish. If that doesn’t work, mankind’s last hope is to send out fearless Roy to befriend it with his natural charm and charismatic delivery and a piece of string (this despite a limp labrum). To prepare for his Moby Dick moment, Roy walked 13 miles over the weekend!

The monster is not circumcised and has never faked an ACL injury.

Some people (joel mazur) don’t know if the monster stands for good or evil, peace or destruction, prosperity or bankruptcy. Even if they did know they wouldn’t know the difference (how would he even knoooooow). As long as it has a gentile appearance to the untrained eye, likes to play backgammon and isn’t afraid to take a flyer on Eddy Curry it gets a bid to Delta Sig.

Little guys across the globe are petrified of the monster and are especially overcome with fear when in the dark. They hide under their soiled sheets and if there are no sheets they bash their backside into spackled walls and dry heave from the bottom of their coreless core’s while they hide in fear. Hey, there’s one in every crew.

A group of scientists tried to contact the remaining monsters by SMS but received perplexing replies that bordered on erotic perversion. Apparently the monster likes to procreate but has been trapped in a sea of creatures with conflicting sexual orientation.

We all hope this story has a happy ending. It’s quite a cutesy beast after all.

Full Disclaimer: While this story is in fact accurate to each and every fact, Bonez hired me to pen this post for your edification and pleasure.

6 Sticks of high-fat Butter
8 Cups Canola Oil ( (substitute beef suet or tallow for meatier flavor)
1 lb. Milk Chocolate
32 oz. Sauerkraut
Spicy Brown Mustard
Whipped Cream
Powdered Suger
6 Popsicle sticks
Wax Paper
Special Sauce

Insert popsicle (wooden or plastic) stick and freeze High-Fat Butter for at least 24 hours. This prevents melting when the butter is being deep fried.
Heat Canola Oil in Deep Fryer at 375 degrees. I recommend the Presto 05466 ProFry Stainless-Steel Dual-Basket Immersion Fryer, but anything will do. Keep Oil heated below its smoke point. Dip butter into oil and keep submerged until outer coat is crisp and brown. Place butter sticks on wax paper and let dry.

Break chocolate into small pieces. Add water to double boiler and boil at high temperature. Add the chocolate to top of double boiler. Stir the chocolate constantly until melted and smooth. Try not to heat it much more after it is melted. Remember, milk chocolate will scorch more easily than dark/plain chocolate due to the milk solids.

Once butter pops are dry and chocolate is melted, dip bars into melted chocolate. Fully coat bars until they are completely covered in chocolate. Place on new sheet of wax paper and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.

When pops are ready to be served, garnish with generous portions of sauerkraut, spicy brown mustard, whipped cream and powdered sugar. The whipped cream can be store bought or whip some up fresh with thick cream and a little N20 using The Mosa Whip Cream Dispenser.

Least but not least, add the special sauce.

Big Sexy Pops can go over well at almost any occasion but is especially a crowd-pleaser at cholesterol friendly events. They are universally regarded as one of the tastiest foods served on a stick. Currently, there is no way to show your devotion or appreciation to BSP’s but I did find these t-shirts that promote Butter Sticks.

So eat up, enjoy and Bon Appetite!

]]> http://www.blog.littyhoops.com/2008/05/18/recipe-of-the-week-big-sexy-pops/feed/ 0 http://www.blog.littyhoops.com/2007/03/30/gnn-blazer-football-rules/ http://www.blog.littyhoops.com/2007/03/30/gnn-blazer-football-rules/#comments Fri, 30 Mar 2007 05:01:21 +0000 Litty http://www.blog.littyhoops.com/2007/03/30/gnn-blazer-football-rules/ I checked my voice mail tonight (which is a big task for me) and was pleasantly surprised to receive a hilarious message from one of my best friends from high school. He was impersonating our high school football coach. I never played football or lacrosse in high school so I don’t have a good Coach Greene imitation in me. I can say I once got chewed out by Coach Greene (nose-to-nose, spit in your face style) after I (maybe-accidentally) pegged a disabled student in the head playing European Handball. Let’s just say that Coach Greene would do great coaching football in the south in the 1950’s.

I cracked up when I heard the message and then saved it. Not sure why though, because all my saved messages end up expiring in a few weeks. The message was just to good to delete.

I’ve been trying to figure out a good way to save voice messages. It would be great if I can forward them to an email account. This should be pretty easy to do on a blackberry but it isn’t. Luckily, I happened to be reading my friend Charlie’s blog tonight and he mentioned a website called gotvoice that sends your cell phone voice mail to your email. Perfecto!

It took me about five minutes to set up my free account and I tested it out by sending myself Greg’s message. It works great. I’m geeked. Gotvoice should help me track all my voice mails. Currently, I only check a few times a week and inevitable I miss a bunch of messages each week. The service should also let me save those classic messages to listen to on a rainy day.

Click here to listen to the voice mail in .mp3 format. It’s pretty damn good, but you prob will only appreciate it if you went to North.

I’m not really sure how to properly explain Mike & The Mad Dog. I do know that if you listen to them regularly you’re a true New York sports fan. Mike has an arrogance that is only matched in stature by his waistline and firmly believes he is the definitive source of sports knowledge. Dog’s screechy voice, hot temper and inability to correctly pronounce words longer than three syllables make him utterly ridiculous. Add to the mix the passionate and biased New York callers and perhaps you start to get a feel for the chaos that ensues each and every weekday afternoon. If you want a great description of the show check out the Sports Guy’s take.

The show works because Mike and The Mad Dog play off of each other perfectly. They are two buddies shooting the shit and talking sports. Every listener wants to be part of their conversation. Not many people admit to loving the radio show but they can’t help but listen. My father is an addict. He’ll make comments like “They say Isaiah is toast even if the Knicks make the playoffs” or “I hear Clemens is going to Boston in July”. It sounds impressive at first, like he has some kind of inside scoop, but all he is really doing is repeating what he heard on the show.

Once in awhile Mike or Dog will host the show solo. Lacking the back and forth banter between the two the show is pretty ordinary and difficult to enjoy. My buddy Dave (who watches the show on the YES network instead of going to work) showed me this youtube clip last week of Dog going bonkers over the Pac Man Jones fiasco. If you like the show you’ll really appreciate how wound up Russo gets and how he then explodes without Mike to keep him in check. If you’ve never listened before you might think this is the wackiest clip ever. The build up is great but if you want to skip to the most amazing moments go to the 5:10 mark and watch from there.

Some people believe (Aunt Gail being one of them of course) that laughter can lead to better health through a stronger immune system, positive cardio-vascular effects, less stress and tension and an overall sense of happiness.

I realize this is all a bit unconventional and sometimes it might even be down right looney. The whole laughter movement was started by Madan Kataria, an Indian Doctor in Mumbai. Aunt Gail refers to a dude named Steve Wilson as her mentor. On Steve’s website he states that

“Today we are on the brink of nuclear disaster and wide spread international terrorism. We are at war within ourselves, which is why there is a war outside in the world today. If we can bring peace inside us through laughter clubs, then there will be peace outside, too.”

Perhaps, all Osama needs is to take a deep breath and let out a good laugh. Or not.

That quote seems like somebody is spreading a pretty thick layer of chocolate frosting on the pound cake. But, I’ll give you another quote that might carry a bit more weight. Mark Twain, a real American social icon once said that “the human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter”.

I’m down with the gospel of laughter. Like Mozzarella Sticks, that moment you wake up and realize it’s a weekend and the “Set It and Forget It” infomercial, laughter is pure happiness. If the act of laughter is so enjoyable why do we find it necessarily to trigger laughter? Why not just laugh whenever we damn well please.

I’m going to try laughing tomorrow morning on the subway. To me the subway is a warp zone state of hellish human misery where people zone out and try not to think. Well, tomorrow I’m going to laugh my way all the way to 28th street. Feel free (no reason necessary) to laugh your way to work as well.

I’m also including this viral video that you might have already seen on YouTube. If your still not convinced maybe this will do the trick.

AePi was the fraternity I pledged my freshman year at Michigan (the chapter was kicked off campus before my class was initiated). Weiner Circle is a classic late night greasy food stand in Chicago that is infamous for its foul-mouthed and large-bottomed waitresses.

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