Tuesday, August 5th, 2008...12:18 am

The Montauk Monster is B-A-N-A-N-A-S

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Like most other independently wealthy struggling and chubby entrepreneurs I summer on the east end. But last weekend I found myself in Fire Island. Despite Miss Matt’s insightful and potentially life-altering psychoanalysis, there was only one reason I took the fairy to FI. I wanted to get as far away from the Montauk Monster as possible!

Many of you might have heard about the Montauk Monster. It’s been all over the news over the last few days. Gawker broke the horror story a few weeks ago and CNN is covering it with this investigative gem. Check out the photo below.

I have a fervent conviction in the truthfulness of bizarre news stories. I’m still trying to locate Bison Dele on the high seas aboard the Hakuna Matata and the only hoax with the Cambodian Midget Fighting League was the cover up. I’ve also personally vowed never to let a monster incite fear into my people as the Kibbutz Monster did to us many moons ago.

So naturally I’ve scoured the wire, reading everything from legitimate news sources to insane blog post theories on the true nature of the monster.


The Monster is more than just an albatross to humanity; it is in fact all of our dilemmas. Not since Nessy or Jason Lillian, has such a beast terrified humanity. It has the mysteriousness of a spider’s web, the versatility of a liger, the dexterity of a blue collar butterfly and the ferocity of Matt’s bodyguard Rocco.

The Montauk Monster eats just about everything except Chicken Marsala. It especially enjoys late night cheese steaks, Twix ice cream bars, random sausage and parmiGINA cheese. It also snacks on Chicken Salad.

No one has yet figured out how to conquer the monster when it attacks or how this one washed up on the shore. Actually, nobody is sure if this one is dead or has just been perfectly still since it was discovered. A prevailing theory is to attempt to sedate it with a mixture of “advil”, tussin and Excedrin Migraine medication and then trap it with a Roman Helmet and a barrage of jelly fish. If that doesn’t work, mankind’s last hope is to send out fearless Roy to befriend it with his natural charm and charismatic delivery and a piece of string (this despite a limp labrum). To prepare for his Moby Dick moment, Roy walked 13 miles over the weekend!

The monster is not circumcised and has never faked an ACL injury.

Some people (joel mazur) don’t know if the monster stands for good or evil, peace or destruction, prosperity or bankruptcy. Even if they did know they wouldn’t know the difference (how would he even knoooooow). As long as it has a gentile appearance to the untrained eye, likes to play backgammon and isn’t afraid to take a flyer on Eddy Curry it gets a bid to Delta Sig.

Little guys across the globe are petrified of the monster and are especially overcome with fear when in the dark. They hide under their soiled sheets and if there are no sheets they bash their backside into spackled walls and dry heave from the bottom of their coreless core’s while they hide in fear. Hey, there’s one in every crew.

A group of scientists tried to contact the remaining monsters by SMS but received perplexing replies that bordered on erotic perversion. Apparently the monster likes to procreate but has been trapped in a sea of creatures with conflicting sexual orientation.

We all hope this story has a happy ending. It’s quite a cutesy beast after all.

Full Disclaimer: While this story is in fact accurate to each and every fact, Bonez hired me to pen this post for your edification and pleasure.