Wednesday, January 6th, 2010...1:13 am

Mosquitoes really BITE

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As the only stinger in my near perfect Costa Rican vacation, I’ve decided to declare a holy war against Mosquitoes. In the Littyhoops circle of life, these blood suckers are my square peg. If I ever get my one-on-one, Sunday Night conversation with Hashem, I’ll be sure to grill him on the creation of these damn little gnats. And I won’t take the “it was such a loosey goosey” excuse no matter how prehistoric of an era it might have been. I’m thinking that the good lord might have meant to create those squiggly white spirit things from Pandora instead of Mosquito’s.

Why the hostility you might ask? Well, for ten straight days I was eaten like a slice of pecan pie at the Klumps dinner table. I had more bites than a stoned college kid’s fishing rod at the Spring Valley Trout Farm. My arms and legs were so bitten up that I did the Helen Keller (Houston, Texas) and scratched from my hips. In the amusement park known as hell, I had the VIP fast pass at the Mosquito petting zoo.

I repeatedly asked Doctor Beyda how many mosquito bites it would take to end a life (answer unknown) and then itched backwards to figure out how soon I would scratch out my existence. I resorted to wearing mosquito protectors (jeans) at night and carrying around a placebo stick (cortisone cream) like it was my Epipen. Each time I interacted with a new human, I curiously asked them how they faired with dem’ darn Mosquitoes. If they didn’t publicly disavow the entire Culicidae family of insects right to existence, I labeled them as an insect zealot infected with the “bug”.

I’ve started to research the potential for a Mosquito vaccine. I’ve offered Doctor Beyda a spot as my head of R & D but he seems a bit hesitant. Don’t worry Roy – you’ll obviously be my sales rep. If you think about it, there hasn’t been a major breakthrough since Dr. Calamine introduced his whack pink stuff. Talk about some Snake Oil, Calamine’s ponzi is one of the biggest scams since they started charging for extra BBQ sauce at McDonald’s. In fact, in 1992 the FDA announced that there is no proof that Calamine lotion is safe for use or even effective in treating bug bites. I’m sure we can develop Litvacide Solution to those same lofty standards.

Other ineffective placebo tools, and lowly competitors, include Citronella candles, yellow bug lights, electronic zappers or hanging out with purple martins who will actually dine on mosquitoes. Doctor Beyda suggests surrounding yourself with cups of Listerine (ha – that’s what happens when you go to medical school in a dessert!) DEET and other insect repellents are somewhat effective in preventing bites…and in ensuring that you first born son has two noses and talks like Bill Walton

The first tenet of any legitimate holy war is education and I’ve done my research. Mosquito bites, like headaches, are caused by the female. The she-mosquito feeds off blood by piercing skin with her mouth. While sucking blood, she also deposits some of her saliva into the skin. This saliva contains proteins that remain in the skin. A human body’s immune system may then react to those proteins, resulting in the characteristic torture.

Like Chia Pets, puddles and Slip N’ Slides, Mosquitoes do best in stagnant or standing water. Therefore they are most horny in roof gutters, wading pools, birdbaths, old tires and Bobby Digital’s palms.

I used to believe that I was at the receiving end of so many bites because my blood was as sweet as a George Gervin finger roll. Although annoying, I begrudgingly accepted this because it felt good to be desired by any sort of female. Then one horrific day, an Asian lawyer told me that everybody gets bitten and that I’m just more allergic to the bites. Because she was an Asian lawyer, and I a burned out blogger, I took her word as truth. BUT, according to the Mayo Clinic website, “Mosquitoes select their victims by evaluating scent, exhaled carbon dioxide and the chemicals in an individual’s sweat. Overweight men are most susceptible. Bingo! Not even my Neanderthal nightly snoring could keep the little buggers away from the irresistible sweet scents of my perspiration, halitosis and underarm odor.

One of my most troubling fears was that the torture of Mosquito bites would prevent me from relocating to Costa Rica after I have my ultimate mental breakdown, fall out of society and wander south. But then I learned that adults become less sensitized to bites if bitten many times throughout life. Therefore, not only will I not die with N+1 bites but I’ll become even more immune.

If all of this hasn’t sold you on joining my holy war than consider this – Mosquito’s can carry Malaria, West Nile and Dengue Fever! Heck, they might as well be included in the plagues sent down to Pharaoh (oh wait, they were). Malaria is to the third world what Swine Flu is to narcotic jewish Long Island mothers. Between one and three million people die every year from malaria (90% in Sub-Sahara Africa). If that doesn’t get you angry, check out this video of a mosquito raping a human.

As I was watching football the other night there was public service announcement to “text” a $10 mosquito net to the third world. I obviously did my part and donated a net through this amazing charity Nothing But Nets. Almost three million nets have been donated. Naturally, I then requested that they send me one for my own precious protection.

But enough with this low-tech netting stuff. I want to develop the vaccine. I want to annihilate and then eradicate their species. The only Mosquitoes that remain standing will be the band from Gilligan’s Island. I want to be the Grand Exterminator in Dostoevsky’s next novel . We’ll make them buggers endangered and cheer their extinction. Even Bill Gates is on my side! It will be like the big battle in Avatar, except this time the mean, ugly white capitalists will win. So sting away suckers, because the Littyhoops Nation is ready to battle!



  • Lisa

    holy shit. This was really funny.