Friday, July 9th, 2010...12:10 am

Dear Lebron

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Dear King –

Congratulations on your big Decision to move down to South Beach and join the Miami Heat. To be honest, I didn’t see it coming. I guess I’m no Chris Broussard. Most people work their entire careers to retire to the sunshine state but you get to do it in the prime of your career.

I don’t blame you for bouncing out of Cleveland. Not much going for the city known as the mistake by the lake. Plus, you’ve lived there for like twenty-five years already. The winters are cold and those weird gnats on Joba Chamberlin’s neck can attack at any time. Heck, a Cleveland sports team hasn’t won a Championship since the Browns in 1964. You don’t need to be killing it on Bodog to know those aren’t great odds.

The Cavs and Dan Gilbert just weren’t able to surround you with the right talent to win a title (and then he has the chutzpah to bitch about it). But now you get to team up with two of the top basketball players in the world. Why worry about winning a ‘chip during the season when you can secure it in the off-season? D-Wade already has won a title. I’m sure he can help show you how it’s done. Look what happened last time you played with Wade and Bosh at the Olympics. You guys won Gold. Duh!

It’s a pretty savvy move to follow the career path of Kevin Garnett. He toiled away in Minnesota for 12 full years before he wised up and went to Boston to get his ring. He really showed the heart of a champion when he proclaimed “Anything is Possible”. That’s a great example that nothing is impossible.

Your career move was so interesting that you even haave me in a state of self-reflection. Maybe instead of trying to build a company from scratch I should just go work at Google, Facebook or Microsoft. Unfortunately websites can’t win championships, but I can tell everyone I changed that world while making billions of dollars.

I must admit, I really wanted you to come to my beloved Knicks. But let’s be real here. We’re coming off one of the worst decades in professional sports and the media scrutiny would be enormous. A few months ago my buddy Will was begging for you on the cover of NY Magazine and now he’s philosophizing on the meaning of being a sports fan! Jeez, who needs all of that? Plus, it’s easy for a Midwestern boy to get lost in a big city.

I admire how you created some good out of a whole lot of hoopla by announcing your Decision on ESPN and having all of the proceeds go to charity. I’ll never understand why a talented ballplayer like Kevin Durant would quietly sign a max deal extension and then announce it with a simple tweet. Some guys are just plain selfish and obtuse. Maybe you should auction off the final five or six roster spots on the Heat to raise even more money for the Boys & Girls.

I’m sure your boy Maverick Carter and your homies (your other “team”) are excited to relocate to South Beach. It’s almost like that show Entourage is about you and your crew. It’s mighty loyal of you to hire all your high school friends instead of employing one of those corporate suits to manage the hundreds of millions of dollars generated by your “King James” brand. Keep on making these solid business decisions and you’ll surely be the first billionaire athlete.

After you win your championships I bet you’re going to party in the city where the HEAT is on, all night on the beach till the break of dawn. I bet your mom Gloria will party even harder!

Enjoy and good luck,

  • Schlossj3

    Lebron is a tool and lost more fans yesterday than Kobe
    did from an alleged rape. I hope the heat lose every game. Litty-
    don't talk shit about Cleveland or the 2022 olympics “play it by ear”reunion tour is off!

  • Litty

    you know how you always hope i write about you in the blog posts (or is that
    when i wrote “mistake by the lake” I was 100% writing directly to you my

  • Maverick Money Makers Review

    i read this and i think We Need You asks you who do YOU want LeBron James to play for? Simply vote for the team!