Wednesday, December 12th, 2007...11:25 pm
The Steroid Name Game
Across the nation tonight, there are professional baseball players who are more nervous than a female MSG intern sitting bitch between Isaiah Thomas and Stephon Marbury. Tomorrow at 2pm the venerable George Mitchell will release his highly anticipated report on doping in baseball after a 20 month investigation. The report promises to name names, with about 80 players being outed including some “very, very high-level names”.
The steroid era has grown on me like the pouch that sits on my stomach. At first I felt like a sucker that I fell for the whole McGwire-Sosa home run record love fest. Than I felt cheated as a baseball purist because the record books were forever tainted. As a young baseball whiz my favorite trivia question to ask adults was to name the eleven members of the 50 Home Run club. The answer spanned 70 years and really tested your knowledge of the different eras of baseball history. Since Cecil Fielder hit 52 in 1990 there have been 14 other players who have hit over 50. Now if you know the answer to the trivia question you’re that Schwaby pervert from ESPN or spend too much time editing Wikipedia.
But gradually I just came to accept it as part of baseball lore. One day I’ll look back and tell my kid there was this thing called the steroid era where every player looked like Greek Gods and the long ball was as common as refs fixing basketball games. Besides, Jack Chesbro winning 41 games in 1904 doesn’t take away from Pedro or Maddux in their prime. Baseball has some imperfections, so what. It also now has a home run king whose most awe-inspiring accomplishments are his utter lack of humility, the size of his noggin (both literally and figuratively) and his legal standing. That’s baseball. I love it.
In anticipation of the Mitchell report, I sent an email out to the most legitimate baseball fans that I know. I proposed a gentlemen’s bet to see who could predict the most players outed in tomorrow’s report. The only rules were that you could only name nine players in an email and must include a one line reason why you picked them. To get my friend Fatasy Matt all riled up I even threw in the “Jason Grimsly” rule that rewards two points if you correctly pick a middle reliever. Part of me expects Mitchell to name 80 middle relievers tomorrow who will all be promptly banish from the game by Bud Selig, who will then declare that baseball is once again pure and it’s time to move on. If that happened my only concern is that you need to feed steroids to middle relief guys. Imagine how long a game would take between the 5th and 8th innings otherwise. Games would turn into unwatchable five hour affairs where teams routinely throw 6-8 pitchers a game.
Anyway, below is our list. It’s in order of when the players were named in emails. After the report is announced I’ll tally up the stats and see how we did collectively and individually in the comments section. Big ccontributions from Bwetty, Fantasy Matt, Rob, Berf and some throw ins from Kras, Bonez, Petroleum Dick, Hillz, Lisa and Colby.
Brady Anderson
The greatest advertisement for how amazingly well steroids worked. Either his cock grew eight inches one winter or he juiced more than a Tropicana factory.
Luis Gonzalez
57 home runs by this bitch is why people hate steroids and how it messes with records. That little jam shot to win the world series should have been a pop out to Mariano.
Roger Clemens
The clip of him picking up Piazza’s bat and throwing it at him, while screaming, after nailing him in the head a few months earlier should be on wikipedia for Roid Rage.
Jeff Bagwell
His body stopped working part by part until all he could do was hit home runs. His body is 90% testosterone and 40% HGH.
Ron Gant
He had biceps the size of Dennis Kucinich.
Dante Bichette
Steroids and thin air go together like PB & J
Glenallen Hill
He didn’t swing. He flexed his chest and the bat moved.
Julio Franco
Come on. Great character guy provides teams with more HGH than the clubhouse caddy. His career revival in Mexico where he found the fountain of youth is more like a pile of dirty testosterone.
Arthur Roads (relief pitcher)
Whose a better target in a witch hunt than a black middle reliever. Who will come to his defense? Heathcliffe Slocumb?
Adrian Beltre
The protypical contract year roid abuser, jacks up numbers and then falls off.
Gabe Kapler
He is 85% steroid and 15% Red Sox…reason enough.
Willy Mo Pena
Because he is huge, Dominican and still sucks.
Miguel Tejada
Got to throw a former Oakland A in there, Giambi had toget it from someone…what has he done since he won his MVP.
Jim Thome
Hick + Back Problem = Roid Abuser
Mike Hampton
Because he is Mike Hampton
Greg Vaughn
He hit 50 HR in 1998, 45 HR in 1999, was Mo Vaughns cousin and no one even knows who he is.
Tony Batista
The HR to BA ratio never made much sense…He is Rafael Palmeiro if there were no Rafael Palmeiro
Jose Mesa (Reliever)
Steroids are not out of the question when Jose Mesa was charged with one count of rape for allegedly penetrating one woman with his finger and two counts of gross sexual imposition for allegedly groping two women in a Lakewood, Ohio motel room. Mesa would have been charged with felonious sexual penetration for allegedly penetrating the woman with his finger. However, Ohio law was changed after he was acquitted to eliminate the felonious sexual penetration charge and include it into the definition of rape.
Antonio Alfonseca (reliever)
He stores HGH in his extra digit.
Craig Biggio
Him and Bagwell are the same. Bagwell dripped some sweat on me and now I have a hairy back.
Kevin Mitchell
He used to dip his throwing hand in “the clear” before every game. That’s why he was able to catch that ball barehanded.
Eric Gagne
Where do you think that streak came from
Gary Sheffield
He is a monster, with an attitude problem and his uncle has a serious coke habit
Sammy Sosa
Steroids been very good to me
Brett Boone
Bob and Aaron did not do shit, Brett hit over 50
Jeremy Giambi
Brother is Jason
Armando Benitez
Always injured
A.J Burnett
Nice contract buddy, donde esta
Brian Giles
Lil man is huuuuuuuge and he is a bitch ass Padre
Chipper Jones
That guy just looks like a cheater
Albert Belle
Dude was always so angry.
John Rocker
Obvious but i’m still getting double points for the reliever you suckers.
Jeff Nelson
He was also one to pitch with rage and furious anger…reliever bonus as well.
Milton Bradley
There’s an anger theme here.
Nomar Garciaparra
Remember that jacked up SI cover…all anabolic son!
Kerry Wood
Similar plight to Nomar. Broke the radar gun…cant stay healthy now.
Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams
I know that giving up the Joe Carter homerun would cause you to go into depression…but i think the withdrawal from juice caused this guy to become a recluse.
Roberto Alomar
Dude was great for so long…spat in umpire’s face…fell off with the Mets just around the time the roid controversy started to blow up.
Kevin Maas
Huge for about 2 months…never to be heard from again. Real yanks fans feel me.
Lenny Dykstra
The nickname “nails” came from the time he ate nails in the weight room, not for toughness
Todd Hundley
First 4 full seasons hit 7,11,15,16 HRs. Then 41, then 30 HRs. Went to Dodgers and never hit 25 again.
Jeff Kent
When he fought Bonds in the dugout, were they really fighting about who’s head was smaller?
Roger Cedeno
First 3 full seasons Hits 52,53,58. Comes to Mets. Next 4 full seasons Hits 142, 153, 133, 129. Leaves mets, out of league in 2 years.
Ruben Sierra
How did that guy always suck, then get picked up by the yanks every year and be amazing? No way he should have had a 20 year career
Randy Johnson
This guy was a roid rager all the time and everyone said he was grumpy. He was a sicko too.
Heath Bell (reliever)
Dude sucked on the Mets for 3 years, bounced with a bag of pills to San Diego and was redic son.
Shane Spencer
Perfectly timed cycle to coincide with his call up to the big leagues. His trainer/dealer is a superstar.
Mike Lowell
Who gets testicular cancer at 20?
Ruben Riveria
He threw out his arm making a flat footed throw from right field warning track to third base on a fly.
Phil Nevin
#1 picks who sucks for most of his career and then somehow becomes good
Ryan Klesko
He went from a constant home run hitter to hitting single digits a season for the Friars
Everyday Eddie Guardado (reliever)
Any dude who pitches every day is on roids
Brian Bruney (reliever)
Get’s released by last place diamondbacks a week after grimsly incident only to become yanks best reliever
Matt Stairs
This guy should be a Canadian bouncer not a bona fide DH in the Major Leagues.
Ugeth Urbina
“On October 16, 2005, Urbina allegedly attacked five farm workers on his property and tried to injure them both with a machete and by attempting to pour gasoline on them.”
Larry Walker
1997 stats: hit .366 with 49 home runs, 130 RBI, 33 stolen bases. Guilty.
Ricky Henderson
Impossible to play for that long with those skills with no juice.
Shelley Duncan
See Spencer, Shane…. also, have you seen this dude celebrate in the Yanks dugout? Rage to the fullest.
Graham Lloyd (reliever)
That punch he threw storming out of the bullpen – half Australian insanity, half steroids. Wogwan.
Brian Jordan
He’s kinda handsome, but career stats stink like Greg Anderson’s jail cell
Juan Gonzalez
Career speaks for itself
John Wetteland
Lotta yanks former yanks on this list…. hope Im wrong, but this dude’s lower half made
Mike Piazza
Greatest position player for Mets ever could not have been clean. It’s the Mets way
Pudge
He slimmed down, to the tune of 30lbs, during one off-season. Someone switched from peaches and cream for breakfast to just peaches.
