Wednesday, December 16th, 2009...2:00 am

The Best Show On Television

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That’s right guidos and guidettes, it’s time to talk Jersey Shore.

When people first hear I have a blog they usually go “oh” with a look of disgust as they think to themselves what a nerd/dork I must be. To be polite, they then ask me what I blog about. My response is that I write about whatever is on my mind. Lately, I’ve spent lots and lots of time thinking about the amazingness of my new MTV friends from Seaside.

I didn’t expect much when I first heard Da Bwetty talking about the show a few weeks ago. I kind of dropped out of the MTV game at some point between the Real World sucking for the 5th season in a row and having to watch a show with Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey where they do everything other than what people want to see them do (Ronnie would call it “pounding”). I’m actually allergic to most reality television as the stupidity irritates my brain. Yet, through the reality show prowess of Da Bwetty, Kosh and my two sisters I pick up a lot through osmosis. For instance, without watching any of these shows, I somehow know that Johnny Bananas is the dude to meat on The Ruins, Russell is taking Survivor by storm and that Jon and Kate’s eight kids are named Cara, Mady, Alexis, Hannah, Aaden, Collin, Leah and Joel but that all those little people don’t get in the way of Jon pounding out as many chicks as Tiger Woods.

So after getting a heads up text from Brett, I flipped on the season premiere. Within seconds I was hooked. This show was the most unexpected pleasant surprise in my life since my doctor told me my cholesterol dipped under the Mendoza line at my last check up. The character introduction for J-Woww was all I needed to understand I was watching the future of reality television. Let me share it share it verbatim.

“I am like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I will rip there heads off. I have a bad habit of playing little emotional games with men. When they date me its cool in the beginning, we do our thing, and then I send them on a roller coaster to hell. I have so many girls that hate on me, because whatever they are, they can’t compare to me.”

If only I could introduce myself with as much bravado, Littyhoops would be hitting 90 million homes on your cable dial instead of having a few dozen begrudging email subscribers who have the blog posts going straight to their SPAM filter.

At some point I realized that this first episode was actually two hours. Pure Ecstasy. A few moments later I was pissed at MTV that they wouldn’t be showing this three times a week like they do for Big Brother. Then I started licking my television screen. Later somebody mentioned that MTV has a full summer of footage, and four months to edit the story. That’s when we realized this show was going to be a season long highlight real that rivals “One Shining Moment”.

As my college buddies will attest, one of my purest and most unadulterated joys in life is instigating crazy people to do crazy stuff. I’m not sure why this is and consider it a character flaw. But I can’t help myself. I think my overwhelming curiosity to see what happens trumps all logic, reason and maturity. This genetic abnormality is unbelievalbly stimulated by the Jersey Shore. There I was jumping up and down rooting for the show to get crazier as it progressed and I wasn’t disappointed! The situation goes down! Pauley D throws a haymaker and has his penis pierced! Vinny gets pink eye. Ronnie makes Ron Ron juice!

I was pumped going into the second episode but was underwhelmed. Just like that, I think the magic might be gone. My big hope was that the “punch” would take episode #3 to a whole new level as I’ve watched it in slow-mo at least 500 times.

I was thinking that they could have Ted Demme or Tarentino like directing and start the episode as Snickers gets knocked out. They could then play the episode in Rewind (think of the NaS song) so it would seem like you were hitting the back button on your DVR. Snickers screaming at the random meat head, Snooki taking shots, Snooks grinding on the dance floor, Snucky bumping rails in the bathroom, Snicks doing her hair and make up, Snooky sucking juice out of pickles, etc. There hasn’t been a more climatic “removed scene” since Quarterback Joe Kane lies down in the middle of the road and reads Sports Illustrated in The Program.

I’m writing this post now for much the same reason I’ve been bragging about St. John’s. They’re both peaking! One month from now the Johnnies will be below .500 and Pauley D. will be lamer than Spencer Pratt. But for now I’m going to suck all the juice out of this situation.

A few other things worth mentioning….

  • I love rooting against the Situation. Haven’t been this amped to see someone fail since watching Kevin Brown pitch.
  • I was glad to see Angelina and her garbage bags take a hike. She’s one heck of a talented and miserable rooster blocker. If she took the Situation’s advice and went anorexic and then converted to the tribe she would be strikingly similar to many a SDT Michigan chicks circa the turn of the century!
  • The nickname The Situation is brilliant. He actually speaks in the third abdominal. My sister suggested that Littyhoops should name his stomach Buddha and walk through Murry Hill allowing chicks to rub it.
  • Props to my buddy Ross and the team for seizing a great opportunity sneaking in obtain a television commercial in the second episode and picking up some great press on TMZ and other publications.
  • What’s up with the landlord/t-shirt store owner. They could have done much better casting this guy. I’m thinking Ira from Fire Island.
  • My friend Blake would be absolutely perfect for this show. He has the energy and vocabulary to excel in the house. Plus, his entire body mass could fit into Ronnie’s thigh which would make the dynamic even more entertaining.
  • I would rather bob for apples in a dengue fever infested cesspool in Mumbai, Indiana than jump into that roof top hot tub.

Favorite Lines
“In walks in this girl with garbage bags. I thought that was kind of like ghetto and weird. You cant find a suit case. Nobody in your family has a suitcase you can borrow.” – Pauley D

“I thought you were like vomiting your brains out and I don’t want pukey breath on me…I don’t have time for stupid bimbos.” – Sammi Sweetheart

“You have your penis pierced. I love it” — J-Woww

“Everybody Loves Me. Babies, Dogs, Hot Girls, Cougars” – The Situation

This is far and away my favorite line. I’m thinking of going around telling people “Everybody loves Littyhoops. Aardvarks. Klan Members. Tweens. Parapelegics. Hermaphrodites.”